I Cut my Hair

Cutting my hair is not something I do every other day. In fact, in all memory, I have only cut my hair 3 times. The first time I considered a big chop was after rocking a perm back in high school and watching it slowly shrivel up to about a third of what it used to be, volume-wise. You see, I have fine hair. It can puff up a bit, but is usually quite easy to hold together in a hair tie. In an attempt to save my stringy, struggling hair, and simultaneously try a new look, I cut it into a bob.

Short hair on women has always looked so chic to me, it would easily warrant a second look, and gave the wearer a sense of autonomy. Think bombshells like: Halle Berry, Toni Braxton and Nia long. Later came: Pink, Charlize Theron and Emma Thompson, in her senior years. Most of the women I found stunning or cool were rocking super short hair back in the 90s, well into the 2000s and beyond. I could not resist that bob phase.

That first big chop was my ode to these women, and a chance to live out the fantasy of being short haired. Edgy yet feminine, a powerful combination. It was not that deep.

The next time I took to the scissors was when I returned to my natural, coil-textured hair. I had grown out my bob and was done with straight hair. The natural hair movement was burgeoning the world over. A tidal wave of black women in the diaspora returning to their roots and sweeping in with new products and tutorials to celebrate textured hair. 

The transition started off with growing out my roots, skipping the retouches and trying to style it as other curly and coily chics. One evening, while spending a mellow afternoon in my flat, I decided to chop off all the straight bits. It was completely spontaneous and exhilarating. I could not wait to meet this new version of me, a version I had no memory of.

Meanwhile, in my personal life, I had made an executive decision on my heart. I was going to stop letting myself down and leave a relationship that had been largely dysfunctional. They say a woman shaves her hair when she is making a change. Of course! It makes perfect sense that we would want to shed this crown that sits atop our heads, in the monumental moments of our lives; both good and bad.

Hair determines our appearance, it shapes our faces and makes an impression on those who see us. When you make this inner choice to change; a choice that impacts your life greatly, you may need to see it manifest in the physical world for it to feel real. 

The shedding of hair; grown out of old, dead cells to make way for younger, healthier ones; is the ultimate symbol of becoming a new version of yourself.

Hair is not a big deal to women alone, but men too. Most men will admit to having a special relationship with their barber; a brotherhood of sorts. Trust, understanding and consistency are needed to form that bond. For some men, most of their hair falls off at some point. They reach a crossroads: to let it all go or power through, holding on to the very last strand till the wheels fall off. Balding marks a major shift in men’s adult lives and gives them a distinguished or distinct look. Depends on who you’re asking. It is also the moment when their departure from youth begins to seem truly apparent.

Many men envy those who keep a full head of hair well into their sunset years. Hair isn’t just hair: it is status, it is a position in the attractiveness scale, it is a sign of aging when it starts to grey. And yet, as India Arie sings, “I am not my hair”. She’s right, and though we are indeed, not our hair, it is a significant part of who we appear to be.

About 10 years have passed and the scissors are back in my coils: teasing, releasing and snipping away. This time, I am a new-ish mom, living abroad, learning a new language and reshaping my future. It is a truly transformational time. As the days go by, I start to toy with the idea of chopping it all off, having it shorter than ever before. An idea that might be subconsciously tied to my inner workings of defining this new era. An era veiled in layers of unknowns and limitless possibilities. 

I am starting to find my footing in uncertainty. I have battled with it for more years than I can count. So this time, the big chop is a coming to terms with myself, while surrendering to the process with a symbolic gesture. The other part of it is more practical. After all, I am not the first toddler mom to find shorter hair more manageable. One less thing to think about.

So bye bye tried and tested tresses, it is time for a rest. Hello, to a fresh new look, one I am starting to get used to.

Have you cut your hair before? Watched, as heaps of it fall to the floor. Did it mean anything to you beyond style? Share your thoughts below. 

Unraveling

There’s been an ache in me

An ache to truly become me

It took straying so far

Carving and caving, creating a scar

For long I thought this scar was real

Not only that, but indeed, me

Bending and breaking and shifting to steal

An image, a thought, a person to be

I grew and I blossomed, I flirted with it

This light that resided yet hid deep within

It weeped, it cried out, it reached out, it lit

Surrendered, descended then glowed through my skin

I tried to remember that small piece of me

Then one I let shrink, malnourished and weak

No matter how far I ran and at speed

I couldn’t escape the whispering we

Haunted, defeated, at last I recede

And bare this pearl, clear as the sea

No longer a mystery, no cage to proceed

I free this light in me, to shine as it please

Hindsight’s 2020: Lessons from my 20s

Lessons I learnt in my 20s, video

I recently shared a video on YouTube where I talked about the life lessons I learnt in my 20s. That decade was marked by a lot of unraveling and restructuring. I teethed in one thing and blossomed in another. It seemed as though a surprise was always waiting around the corner. The video was a summary, so figured I would share the little gems collected along the way, in greater detail.

Late last year, after moving to a new apartment, an old friend came to visit and catch up. We hadn’t seen each other in a while, so a lot had happened. For some reason, the conversation drifted off to the challenges she was facing and I shared mine, even if in retrospect. We laughed to hysterics because all those Kiswahili language lessons on methali (wise sayings) by the wahenga (sages) finally made sense! Not just logically, but you could now relate lived experiences to the existence of these proverbs or sayings.

With that said, this blog will be some kind of walk down memory lane. Back to Kiswahili class with all those cryptic statements we had to remember, quote and decipher in exams. Except this time with hindsight.

No regrets: there’s a lesson in every experience

‘Maji yakimwagika, hayazoleki’ = ‘Don’t cry over spilled milk’

You probably will go through some difficult times, it could be in your personal or professional life. Some of these negative experiences might go on for a long period of time because of the choices you make. To stay or to leave. When you finally choose to leave unhealthy spaces, don’t beat yourself up for not doing it sooner. You are almost always doing the best you can with what you have.

No point in regretting your choices when you can use them as lessons for future scenarios. It might seem easier said than done but it’s a more productive attitude. By the time you fully recognise your worth, the lesson sticks.

Changing or evolving is a good thing

You’ve probably heard this statement more times than you can count. But clichés are clichés for a reason. The truth is, even in times like this with prolonged periods of staying indoors, it starts to feel like life is not moving as fast as it should. As long as you’re living in awareness and making deliberate choices on a daily basis, you’ll notice that things have been shifting. Each day is a little different from the last.

Many people had plans for 2020 that they had to let go of or postpone. A lot had to change as soon as the World Health Organisation announced that Covid-19 was a global pandemic.

As you grow, you learn new things about yourself, your surroundings and you develop new interests. Change comes in different ways, some of them painful, others uncomfortable, but often the results are worth the inconvenience. The more invested you are in adding value to yourself, the more you morph into a better version of yourself. So embrace change and make the most of it!

Learn to have difficult conversations

This lesson was further reinforced for me quite recently. I had collaborated with a friend on a project and though parts of the outcome were excellent, the process grew rather unpleasant. After a long period of complete silence from them and my need to address it. It emerged that there were aspects of my method that they essentially disagreed with. Unfortunately, the radio silence created a feeling of hostility from them and bred annoyance on my part. It got me thinking about how important it is to address an issue as soon as it emerges, not waiting too long. This applies to all interactions with people whether romantic, platonic or professional.

Though some might consider this act confrontational, it is just as harmful if not worse, to allow it to fester into something more than it actually is. Quite often, confronting a problem sooner than later creates room for discussion and clarity. It helps to build more understanding and find common ground.

As much as it could cause discomfort, it is smarter to sort things out instead of ignoring them, hoping they will go away. It’s also a way to stand up for yourself and manage expectations.

You become more like your parents!

When I was a teenager, you could never convince me that at some point in my life, I would be having a cup of tea several times a day. That getting home from work to make myself a cuppa would be something I would look forward to. Growing up, my parents often had a cup of chai after dinner, and I thought it was the funniest ‘old people’ thing! Fast forward to me trying different recipes and frequenting my friend’s restaurant just to satisfy a craving for his delicious cardamom tea.

Now, you will find an assortment of teabags in my kitchen which are a part of my night-time routine. I stock up on fresh ginger and turmeric to make some satisfying, calming Ayurvedic chai too! Just typing this has my mouth watering. Good thing it’s cold outside. I can cosy up to a nice little cuppa with no guilt whatsoever.

Protect your peace of mind and choose happiness

When you find yourself in spaces or among people who steal your joy, make you second-guess your value as a person, or lose sleep. There is no reason why you should waste your time or energy entertaining that. Toxic people and environments are like a cancer that spreads throughout your system, sometimes slowly and anonymously, other times fast and deadly. By the time you are aware of what is happening you are already suffering mentally, physically or emotionally. There is also the side effect of mirroring the behaviour of those around you, lashing out and fostering negative patterns. To look inward and fix your own imperfections and find healing, you have to get out of situations that tend to bring out the worst in you.

There is a pattern to the madness

When life seems chaotic and there’s no sense to the things happening to you and around you, it is often difficult to see beyond that point in time.

When you start a career and feel like you’re not exactly where you hope to be, there are pieces of the puzzle missing that you will find along the way. If you make the most of what you have, the loose ends eventually tie up. Skills and experiences that you think will loose value often come in handy when you least expect it. I encourage everyone in their 20s to grab the opportunities that come your way, because you never know when and in what way the payoff will come. It hardly ever gets wasted, and is often worth it in the end.

It is alright to say no

It’s not just OK to say no, it’s often the kinder thing to do. If someone asks you for something, invites you to a party and you’re not keen…find a polite way to say no. If you truly feel incapable of delivering according to expectation, or you’re simply not interested in a proposal, be honest about it. Saying no saves not just your time, but that of everyone else involved. It cuts a lot of red tape and makes life easier for everyone. So next time you find yourself bending over backwards, getting overwhelmed or falling into old patterns of saying yes even when you don’t mean it, try saying no. See how much lighter your load will be. Then, you can focus your time and energy on things that actually matter to you.

Keep the kid in you alive

We all have that part of us that remains childlike, not to be confused with childish. That innocent, sweet, honest(even to a fault) part of us that hasn’t been tainted by the ‘big bad world’. The part of us that sings in the shower, dances around the house, finds joy in cute little things like ladybirds and pretty flowers unexpectedly popping out of a rugged bush. That innate child in us, I find, is where the true depth of happiness, vulnerability and peace reside. Getting older does not mean loosing that colour, curiosity and sense of adventure. I had lost my inner child for a little while and boy did I miss her!

“Be fearless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire”

— Jennifer Lee

Do it afraid

Kupoteza njia ndio kujua njia= Practise makes perfect

Anything you can or would do given the chance is worth a shot. Even if you are scared of failure, or not being as good as others in the same field you have to start. You owe it to yourself to find out if it’s worth your while, and the only way to know for sure is if you give it everything you’ve got. A lot of people who have done notable things in the world started from zero. They had to be beginners, before they became gurus. So be gracious towards yourself. Even if you fall flat on your face you’ll be proud of the fact that you tried.

If you choose to pursue something else, there won’t be a nagging question in your mind of ‘what if’. You’ll know that you gave it your best shot and it’s okay to let it go. But there’s a good chance that it will lead to a path far greater than you could have ever imagined and all you had to do was start.

These are some of the lessons I learnt, which could shed some light for those who are still trying to figure out this wonderful thing called life. I would be lying if I said that you ever truly figure it all out. But you do get better and you know more as time goes by. 'Kuishi kwingi ni kuona mengi’ (we learn as we grow).

Share some of the lessons you have learnt so far, be it in your teens, 20s, 30s, 40s and so on, and the proverbs, sayings or methali that started to make sense to you as you grew older! Many of these lessons are universal and we all learn them at different points in our lives.

Here’s to growing in this journey called life! 🥂